How I Knew He Wasn’t “The One”

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For some women, dating is this awkward period of time where we are constantly questioning whether the man we are presented with is “the one.” I’ve experienced this myself with practically every man I’ve dated. The routine is the same:

1. Meet

2. Ask if he’s single

3. Begin talking on a consistent basis

4. Find qualities you like about him

5. Find out if he has a desire to be married

6. Then exclusive dating

7. If everything has run pretty smooth up until now, you ask yourself and God, “Is he the one?”

8. Either God responds immediately saying “No,” or things begin to fall apart between the two of you OR God doesn’t respond right away, and you take matters into your own hands.

It seems to go this way every time, without actually thinking about it. It just happens.

Well I am here to help you out a little bit.

Three times I knew he wasn’t the one.

One: We had been dating for a good length of time. Longer than I had dated anyone up to that point. We were sexually active. God was really trying to do a work in me, but I wasn’t yielding my whole life to Him, so it wasn’t coming to pass. I knew the battle I was facing, and I explained it to “the one.” I told him we needed to be celibate because God is not pleased with us. Even though  what we’re doing in life is flourishing, He wants so much more from me. He argued that removing the sex from our relationship would change our dynamic. I argued that sex was a bonus, and if it’s that important to him, and he knows he wants to be with me then we needed to get married. He wasn’t ready. He understood my points, he even respected my reasoning, but he didn’t agree that we needed to be celibate.

Why wasn’t he the one?

As Believers, we ought to strive to walk like Christ walked (see 1 John 2:6.) Christ was without sin. And we were deliberately sinning. I could appreciate that he respected my decision, but he didn’t agree. So if things got steamy, he wouldn’t stop and say “we shouldn’t be doing this.” Or if I said “Stop, we shouldn’t be doing this,” he wouldn’t be upset. He wasn’t willing to set up those necessary boundaries to prevent falling into temptation, but he also wasn’t willing to marry and have the approval of God to keep doing what we were doing.

Two: Handsome, “Man of God,” (I said that in quotes because that’s how he introduced himself to me.) We hadn’t known each other too long, but we hit it off. The conversation was great, we had similar interests, and we could literally talk about God on a regular basis without it being odd or “preachy.” Then temptations became known, and took over. We fell. Afterwards we said it wouldn’t happen again because it should have never happened. We individually went into our prayer closets, asked for forgiveness and set boundaries so that it couldn’t happen again. While hanging out a little too late, temptation came on the scene again. I said, “No” he said, “C’mon!” In my mind I justified it, and we fell again. As time went on that became our relationship, until he moved away.

Why wasn’t he the one?

Regardless of the fact that he moved, he wasn’t honest about his intentions with me. In a conversation I had later down the line, it was apparent that his intentions weren’t to properly court me, propose and then marry me. His intentions were to sleep with me, and leave. But he lured me in with his “Man of God” persona. For some of us who are struggling to wait on God in this pool of single-emotionally available-working-heterosexual men who love God, that feels extremely shallow, we become anxious and jump at the first opportunity that presents itself, instead of waiting for God’s green light to proceed. Then the next thing we’re cooking for and taking care of him as though he’s our husband because we want him to stay. When we never received confirmation that God wants us to be where we are. Philippians 4:6 says “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” (NIV). He knows the desires of your heart. He sees your obedience, if both of those areas are in check, He’s got you covered (see Psalm 84:11.)

Three: Dating lead to sex (again, yes I know – I’ll talk about underlying issues later.) God grabs a hold of me and says, “Come back to Me!” So I told  “the one”, “Look, I have work to do, and I can’t get it done while sinning. We need to stop.” He’s upset and wondering why. I told him how I felt. “I love you,” and proceeded to tell him that I not only cared about him while he’s here, but also his salvation was very important to me. We’re not pleasing God in what we’re doing, and I know this hurts, but I have to step away.

Why wasn’t he the one?

In all that I was saying relating to his salvation, my salvation, our individual relationships with God. His only rebuttal was that’s not what he wanted. It’s like he wasn’t even understanding what I was telling him. All of that “God stuff” wasn’t as important as his desires. The bible tells us the man is the spiritual covering/ head of his household (see 1 Corinthians 11:3.) I don’t know about you, but I don’t want a husband who is not willing to acknowledge that God’s will should come before our desires.

It is awfully hard to expect someone to act in a way that you don’t act yourself, and for that I cannot fault any of these men that were not for me, but like the popular quote, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” If you both have a strong desire to please God in your life and relationship, you will both be diligent about ensuring it gets accomplished. Had I waited on God instead of jumping because the response wasn’t coming quick enough for me, these men would have naturally shown themselves to me, and I would have backed away knowing he’s not what God had planned for my life. I know it’s hard waiting. But that’s where faith comes in. Faith in knowing that God hears you, He sees you, and He knows His daughter’s desires. And by doing His will, your thoughts will align with His thoughts and you will find peace in knowing He has you in His hands. He will carry you. He will see you through the difficult times just like He did with David, Moses, Abraham and so many more!

Be encouraged.

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Open House

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Recently I felt a strong urge to get closure in a relationship that ended, but didn’t have the typical “I hope I never have to see him again” ending.

I reached out to him and expressed what I was looking for, and he gladly decided to help me out.

Now, mind you, he has moved on. Although at one point there was a possibility that we could have reconciled. It just didn’t happen.

After speaking with him, and getting a few things out in the open, as well as learning a few things about my actions in our relationship I felt relief, but at the same time, it felt like my heart was broken all over again!

How weird is that? I wanted to feel better, not worse, right?

After the discussion, I felt horrible about myself!

Am I not wife material? Am I not pretty enough? Smart enough? It’s the fact that I’m a single mother, right? Or is it because I’m not as financially stable as a man would want his future wife? What does she (or they – as in other women who have similar stories to mine) have that I don’t?

All of these thoughts just rushed into my head and I couldn’t control all of the emotions that I was presented with.

I prayed.

Cried.

Prayed some more.

Cried some more… you know how that goes…

Then, when asked how I was doing, I responded with “I’ve been better.”

After being asked (although I really didn’t want to talk about it because just the mention would make my eyes well up with tears), I briefly summarized, and I got this amazingly encouraging response (yes I got permission before I shared it)

“If you want new furniture in your house you have to remove the old furniture. Or it all won’t fit. It doesn’t diminish the value of the home, it’s just meant to enhance the comfort of the home and be a reflection of the owner. Even with a house, there is a time when the land is cleared, the foundation set, the frames, windows, walls and paint are put in place. Then there’s a time when the house is shown to potential buyers. The buyers are allowed to visit, but not stay to imagine what living in the house would be like. They evaluate if the home is suitable for their life plans. This process can take time and the house can be empty for years. But when the right buyer comes along, the house will be filled with items, memories. It will be a shelter, comfort, a landmark for the family. It will grow, change and maybe even have some unplanned additions. This is the house becoming a home.”

Being honest, I had to read the whole thing before I connected my situation to the analogy sent to me, because I am not a house… but one day I would love to be a home.

That amazing analogy was followed up by this:

“People are just like the house becoming a home process. There is no need to judge the empty house for what it is. You look at the potential for what the home could be, and if that home is what you need. Our emotions make us feel out of control, but we are ALWAYS in control. The devil just takes the opportunity to create confusion to challenge you and give you struggle. This is the process of growth. ‘All things work for the Kingdom.’…”

It was then personalized for little ol’ me:

“It seems you are a great house and many see the value, but it looks like you’ve had some squatters occupying your property. And as long as that was happening, you could not find a family to make it a home. It also sounds like the eviction process was painful. But now when you look at the value of the property (you) and the house (the woman you are), all of a sudden your stock rises. A vacant sign (single) is out and you have an amazing broker (God). Before you know it your experience will be used to keep your home together for the family that lives in it.”

WOW! Can you say the nail was hit directly on the head!!

Now, this is coming from someone who doesn’t know the full extent of the relationship or my feelings.

When I thanked him, he said he’s just the messenger.

LOOK AT GOD!

My mind was so distracted with emotions that I wasn’t listening to what my Father wanted me to know.

As I’ve mentioned before, breakups are hard. They take time to get over, and you can’t rush the recovery process.

After a season of harvest, in order to make sure the land can nourish another harvest, farmers have to let the land just sit. They don’t plant anything, it’s just an empty field, that way when it’s time to plant, their product will be healthy and plentiful.

We are just like that!

We need that time to rest, recuperate, and review. Everything in life is a lesson, and unless you’re taking time to review the material, you’re going to end up in the same situation once again.

Those words touched me so much today (and yes I got teary eyed – don’t judge me it was much needed).

So on top of telling you that just because you’re no longer in that particular relationship that you are still valuable and there’s a better fit for you, I also want to encourage you to encourage someone else.

If the Lord has put something on your heart to share with someone, be obedient. You never know exactly what they are going through and how your words can deliver them from what they are going through.

Be encouraged.

Stick to your guns

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Making tough decisions is… well… tough. Difficult. Challenging. A dreaded phenomenon. All of that. But they have to be made.

I am a VERY indecisive person. I do not say that lightly. Just a little history: I went to the fabric store with my Nanny (my grandma) to look for patterns and fabric to make my daughters’ Christmas dresses last year and it took nearly 3 HOURS just to decide on what fabric I wanted to use. Thankfully Nanny said she’s indecisive too so she understood the struggle and was patient with me. If it took 3 hours for that, you can only imagine how long it takes me to decide on other, more life-altering things.

Over the last eight months or so I’ve really tried to focus and not only allow God to make decisions for me, and trust that He’ll do what’s best for me, but also be open and ready to receive His response when He provides it.
Now, that’s not extremely easy because I’m the type to make schedules, plan everything ahead of time and know what’s going on, but it’s working!

When I was laid off, I had to decide whether I was going to go back to work right away or not.
God told me not to.
Despite people telling me I needed to go back, or asking how was I going to provide for my kids, how were bills going to be paid. I had to ignore all of that because PEOPLE aren’t the Author of my life. They didn’t know me before I was formed in my mother’s womb. They’re human just like I am. And as humans we’re bound to make mistakes. I looked for work, but got no responses. Yet I trusted in God, and waited for His instruction. Then BOOM! The PERFECT job came around and was basically placed in my lap! (Mind you, I prayed that what was for me be placed in my lap because I didn’t want to do something God didn’t want me to do – won’t He do it!)

Ok, one successful God driven decision made! Yes! Now they haven’t all been like this. I’ve allowed my SELF to make decisions, even after God clearly told me No! And they resulted in necessary lessons learned. They usually involved “men.”

I had gone through a breakup. And I kept thinking “there’s no way we had so much fun in our relationship for us NOT to be together – He’ll change into what I need him to be and we’ll make it work.” Initially, I decided I would completely let go, until we talked about being “friends.” So every once in a while we would text each other. One night he asked if he could see me. I agreed. I was done with my plans earlier than expected so I called him, only to find out his number had been changed! He was texting me from an old phone number, and never gave me the new one! I WAS FURIOUS! When I asked why he would do that, his response was we rarely talked anyway.

I was so hurt!

Here he was trying to convince me he missed me and was thinking about me.
I fell for it.
Only to get the BIGGEST slap in the face (figuratively speaking).

God had told me when we broke up, “He is NOT your husband.”
But once again I allowed my SELF to convince me that I want to be married, and since no one is asking me out, he MUST be it! He’s the only one showing me attention, some of the time (I clearly needed to read my post Hidden at this point). Boy was I wrong.

God TOLD ME! Clear as day. Yet I was trying to keep this guy at arms length just in case. I needed to let him go completely – we couldn’t be friends.

My own disobedience caused that unnecessary heartache. Had I simply stuck to my guns and erased his texts instead of responding, this wouldn’t have happened.

When it comes to decision making, and deciding based on God advising us, we CANNOT have second thoughts. Those second thoughts are us saying, “Ok God, I appreciate the help and all, but I think I know better than You on this one.”

AND WE DON’T!

We will NEVER know better than God!

Yes it’s hard to keep going in a direction where you’re feeling hurt or torn apart from something you really care about. But let me ask you this: Did God tell you to get involved with it anyway?

Not everyone has struggles like I do. Every woman doesn’t get caught up by lust and men. But what about your job? Your major in school? Ministry?

You have to be honest with yourself. If you didn’t consult with the Father before doing something, how do you know it was meant for you to do it? And when, not if, WHEN God pulls you away from something He didn’t plan for your life, you cannot be mad at God, your boss, your ex, your friend, random people – because YOU chose to proceed without God.

But you have to forgive yourself, take it as a lifelong lesson learned and move forward. That is now part of your testimony, and you never know how that will help someone else. So don’t hide it under a rock and be ashamed, use it to help others.

Once you make the decision to live for Christ, you have to stick to that too! There will be hard times. You will have to be patient because He does not answer questions instantly all of the time. You will have to wait. But at least you know you’re God-led vs self-led. My SELF has gotten me into trouble more times than I can count. God has NEVER caused me trouble. God wins!

I love this design I’ve seen various places:
HE>i
He is greater than i.

Be encouraged.

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