How I Knew He Wasn’t “The One”

Standard

For some women, dating is this awkward period of time where we are constantly questioning whether the man we are presented with is “the one.” I’ve experienced this myself with practically every man I’ve dated. The routine is the same:

1. Meet

2. Ask if he’s single

3. Begin talking on a consistent basis

4. Find qualities you like about him

5. Find out if he has a desire to be married

6. Then exclusive dating

7. If everything has run pretty smooth up until now, you ask yourself and God, “Is he the one?”

8. Either God responds immediately saying “No,” or things begin to fall apart between the two of you OR God doesn’t respond right away, and you take matters into your own hands.

It seems to go this way every time, without actually thinking about it. It just happens.

Well I am here to help you out a little bit.

Three times I knew he wasn’t the one.

One: We had been dating for a good length of time. Longer than I had dated anyone up to that point. We were sexually active. God was really trying to do a work in me, but I wasn’t yielding my whole life to Him, so it wasn’t coming to pass. I knew the battle I was facing, and I explained it to “the one.” I told him we needed to be celibate because God is not pleased with us. Even though  what we’re doing in life is flourishing, He wants so much more from me. He argued that removing the sex from our relationship would change our dynamic. I argued that sex was a bonus, and if it’s that important to him, and he knows he wants to be with me then we needed to get married. He wasn’t ready. He understood my points, he even respected my reasoning, but he didn’t agree that we needed to be celibate.

Why wasn’t he the one?

As Believers, we ought to strive to walk like Christ walked (see 1 John 2:6.) Christ was without sin. And we were deliberately sinning. I could appreciate that he respected my decision, but he didn’t agree. So if things got steamy, he wouldn’t stop and say “we shouldn’t be doing this.” Or if I said “Stop, we shouldn’t be doing this,” he wouldn’t be upset. He wasn’t willing to set up those necessary boundaries to prevent falling into temptation, but he also wasn’t willing to marry and have the approval of God to keep doing what we were doing.

Two: Handsome, “Man of God,” (I said that in quotes because that’s how he introduced himself to me.) We hadn’t known each other too long, but we hit it off. The conversation was great, we had similar interests, and we could literally talk about God on a regular basis without it being odd or “preachy.” Then temptations became known, and took over. We fell. Afterwards we said it wouldn’t happen again because it should have never happened. We individually went into our prayer closets, asked for forgiveness and set boundaries so that it couldn’t happen again. While hanging out a little too late, temptation came on the scene again. I said, “No” he said, “C’mon!” In my mind I justified it, and we fell again. As time went on that became our relationship, until he moved away.

Why wasn’t he the one?

Regardless of the fact that he moved, he wasn’t honest about his intentions with me. In a conversation I had later down the line, it was apparent that his intentions weren’t to properly court me, propose and then marry me. His intentions were to sleep with me, and leave. But he lured me in with his “Man of God” persona. For some of us who are struggling to wait on God in this pool of single-emotionally available-working-heterosexual men who love God, that feels extremely shallow, we become anxious and jump at the first opportunity that presents itself, instead of waiting for God’s green light to proceed. Then the next thing we’re cooking for and taking care of him as though he’s our husband because we want him to stay. When we never received confirmation that God wants us to be where we are. Philippians 4:6 says “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” (NIV). He knows the desires of your heart. He sees your obedience, if both of those areas are in check, He’s got you covered (see Psalm 84:11.)

Three: Dating lead to sex (again, yes I know – I’ll talk about underlying issues later.) God grabs a hold of me and says, “Come back to Me!” So I told  “the one”, “Look, I have work to do, and I can’t get it done while sinning. We need to stop.” He’s upset and wondering why. I told him how I felt. “I love you,” and proceeded to tell him that I not only cared about him while he’s here, but also his salvation was very important to me. We’re not pleasing God in what we’re doing, and I know this hurts, but I have to step away.

Why wasn’t he the one?

In all that I was saying relating to his salvation, my salvation, our individual relationships with God. His only rebuttal was that’s not what he wanted. It’s like he wasn’t even understanding what I was telling him. All of that “God stuff” wasn’t as important as his desires. The bible tells us the man is the spiritual covering/ head of his household (see 1 Corinthians 11:3.) I don’t know about you, but I don’t want a husband who is not willing to acknowledge that God’s will should come before our desires.

It is awfully hard to expect someone to act in a way that you don’t act yourself, and for that I cannot fault any of these men that were not for me, but like the popular quote, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” If you both have a strong desire to please God in your life and relationship, you will both be diligent about ensuring it gets accomplished. Had I waited on God instead of jumping because the response wasn’t coming quick enough for me, these men would have naturally shown themselves to me, and I would have backed away knowing he’s not what God had planned for my life. I know it’s hard waiting. But that’s where faith comes in. Faith in knowing that God hears you, He sees you, and He knows His daughter’s desires. And by doing His will, your thoughts will align with His thoughts and you will find peace in knowing He has you in His hands. He will carry you. He will see you through the difficult times just like He did with David, Moses, Abraham and so many more!

Be encouraged.

Advertisements

Not everything is beneficial…

Standard

Let me just start with this disclaimer:

I am praying that the Lord reaches you through this post and gives loving conviction to prompt change where change is needed.

 

Being an avid Facebook user, I see various posts from people ranging from the good and godly to the bad and concerning. I absolutely LOVE seeing posts of scriptures that have touched someone or that they have studied and explain what it means to them,

 

BUT I am soon confused.

 

Those same people are praising Rhianna and Beyonce, talking about going to the club, posting themselves drinking and drunk. While I appreciate their transparency, we cannot serve two masters (Matthew 6:24). When asked about their activity the usual response is “The Lord knows my heart.”

 

We are right to say that, but do we really understand what it means?

 

The Lord knows my heart… Ok…

 

Where do opinions come from?

Your heart.

 

Your opinion is your decision or your stance on something whether it’s factual or not. Majority of the time you won’t allow someone to change your opinion unless they have strong evidence to persuade you that your opinion was wrong and you should believe the facts presented instead. So it’s safe to say you feel strongly about it. When you feel strongly about something you have a connection with it, often times you love what you’re connected to, meaning your opinions come from your heart.

 

So… If your opinion and The Word don’t match, your heart and the Word don’t match, which means Jesus knows you are NOT Kingdom-minded…

 

Are you satisfied with that?

 

At one point in time I would use “The Lord knows my heart” to justify my sinful actions. My boyfriend at the time would do the same (to continue having sex with me, obviously). But even that didn’t make sense after a while. There comes a time when you feel the Lord’s conviction so heavily upon you, you can’t do anything but change. You get queasy when the Pastor starts speaking ABOUT ANYTHING! You’re about to commit your sin and you get nauseous. OR, the game changer for me, you don’t get the same pleasure out of your sin as you once did.

 

Many people try to justify premarital sex, drinking, secular music as “evolutions” of this world we live in. But that’s just it, they are evolutions OF THIS WORLD, we are called to be in, BUT NOT OF this world! So why are we using the world to justify our actions when the bible clearly tells us not to in Romans 12:2?

 

Different strokes for different folks – a common phrase used when we don’t necessarily agree with the way someone does something, or when someone doesn’t agree with what we are doing…

But wait a minute, we’re supposed to be following Jesus, right? So our opinions shouldn’t be different from one another, but different from the non-believers. As Christians, our opinions should be the same, because they are following that of Jesus Himself! There shouldn’t be head bumping over tattoos, secular music, premarital sex, getting drunk, abortions… This has all already been outlined for us.

 

Others may say that secular music, drinking, premarital sex doesn’t interfere with their relationship with Christ.

 

I thought so too. Until I was so ashamed of my sin I couldn’t even get on my knees to pray. I couldn’t even bow my head and mumble. I couldn’t even utter the words as my face lie buried in my pillow at night. I was ashamed. Embarrassed to go before God. Not only to voice what I had done, but repent. I wouldn’t pray because I wasn’t ready to repent, I felt there was more fun to have.

I was a slave to sin.

It had taken over! That freedom we have through Jesus became a captivity of sin because I couldn’t fix my mouth to repent and not go back.

 

We have to realize something, God gave us free will BUT that doesn’t mean we SHOULD do everything that we can.

 

1 Corinthians 6:12-14 says “All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any. 13 Meats for the belly, and the belly for meats: but God shall destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body. 14 And God hath both raised up the Lord, and will also raise up us by his own power.” (KJV)

 

The NIV in verse 12 says “I have the right to do anything, you say—but not everything is beneficial…”

 

Not everything is beneficial.

 

Ok, so that music artist said “Jesus” once in an interview four years ago, but she’s dressing scantily (causing her brother to lust/ causing her sister to covet), talking about sex, partying, drinking, money, drugs…

Romans 14:13 NIV

“Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister.”

We know lusting and coveting are sins. Therefore, the message being portrayed is a stumbling block and NOT beneficial!

 

Trust me, I have played a part in many sins, I have attempted to justify several actions, but justification takes a lot of work. Why not let your life speak for itself?

 

Often times the sin we fall into is because of past hurts or situations we haven’t allowed God to heal us from. This was definitely the case with me. Once I made that decision to STOP, God revealed so much to me. Things I would have never thought of that were covered up by my sin. That’s the enemy’s way of keeping you captive. His intention is to hide those hurtful situations deep down so you keep piling more and more on top of them so they don’t resurface. But God wants to tear down those situations, restore your heart, emotions, and joy so you can live the fulfilling life He has designed for you. Which is why it is so important to remain (or become, if you’re not there yet) Kingdom-minded. Stop having sex if you’re not married, if your partner doesn’t agree with you, FINE. There is someone better qualified for you. Throw that music out, don’t flood your mind with the things of this world. Stop drinking. Life is a gift to be remembered, not drowned in a bottle.

 

Be encouraged.